I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
