"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
