Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
