Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize