We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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