thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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