Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
