there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
