I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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