I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
