i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
