So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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