He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
