yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
