If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
