a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
