pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
