Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
