Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
