Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
