so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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