I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
