I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
