I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
