The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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