wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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