Swine flu is the new snow day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
