I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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