her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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