A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
