Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
