Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
