just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
