It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
