Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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