cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
