You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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