Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
