SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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