OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
