You smell like a Billy Joel song
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
