life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
