So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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