Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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