Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
