I wanna bring you to show and tell
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
