Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
