My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
