im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
