I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
