You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
