Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize