I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
