that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
