I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
