are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
