youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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