Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
