I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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