I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
