I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
